My life moves in waves, undulating and pulsing to an enigmatic rhythm. Time away from the computer feels good and almost inspires me to move in other directions.

Simultaneously my life seems very full and very empty. As always, I've been wanting to be moving towards things but seem to be stuck. Today is my orchestra concert and dinner with family. Tomorrow brings enlightenment over a job opportunity, spring quarter registration, and laundry day, maybe even a couple rounds of cards with Dad.

Other things: I'm getting over a stuffy nose; I'm mentally preparing myself for a trip to Rocky Point during spring break; I'm searching for ways to break down my old excuses; I've sent out homemade valentines; I'm desiring Christian Louboutin shoes and one last thing: trying to turn myself into a completely autonomous human being. It seems so outside my nature, but I'm trying.

Last week marks five years of more than I ever could have hoped for in a relationship. Why do I find myself desiring definitive statements?

I am feeling much better after a day of book purchases (The Everyman Anthology of poetry concerning Solitude and The Invention of Art), an impending job offer for Justin and Crepes! Crepes with Ham and Cheese!

Crepes were so successful and loved by all that I have christened the fourth Monday of each month Crepe Night. And it was my first time, too! Other dishes this week: Sweet Corn Risotto, and Filet Mignon. Culinary mastery will be mine. .

Do you ever feel ashamed when you have feelings that are the opposite of your desired character? This week has been an exercise in self-correction.

Today I made Sweet Potato Gnocchi with Sage Butter.

I've been feeling lethargic and purposeless. Simultaneously I have desires for inventiveness, creativity, accomplishment. Does it ever change?

Sometimes feeling stifled. It could just be my period. Is it self-imposed?

I wish I could write poetry. I love reading it.

My heart is asking for something. I wish could figure out what it is.

Shrewd: Characterized by keen awareness, sharp intelligence, and often a sense of the practical.Disposed to artful and cunning practices; tricky.

*Rory's word to describe me. That, or:

Intimidating: Frightening or overaweing.

Overawe: Impress (someone) so much that they become silent or inhibited.

Thesaurus for overawe: intimidate, daunt, cow, disconcert, unnerve, subdue, dismay, frighten, alarm, scare, terrify

Great. . . .

I just dropped from my philosophical issues in education class. It was a class that switched from something I was really excited about, to something that I was really loathing to experience. Once again, if I want to do some serious learning, I'm going to have to do it on my own.

This is what Wikipedia has to say about the philosophy in education: Philosophy of education is the study of such questions as what education is and what its purpose is, the nature of the knowing mind and the human subject, problems of authority, the relationship between education and society, etc

This is what my class has to say about philosophy of education: This course is a social philosophical exploration of contemporary American educational reform. Specifically, students will critically examine the political economy of American education, the rise of conservative modernization in the US and its attempt to dismantle humanistic values and ideas in American society.

I realize the difference between "of" and "in". However, if a teacher wanted to teach a course such as the one that I dropped from, wouldn't that teacher want those students to have a strong understanding of 1. what historically philosophers have to say regarding the issue of education 2. the philosophical basis for real world politics? I highly doubt anyone in that class has those issues covered. While I don't consider myself highly intelligent, I do consider myself more perceptive than most, and it seems to me that I am highly uneducated to feel like I need so much more before I can seriously tackle the issues that so many teachers have laid before me. That's one of the main reasons I dropped out of the art institute. I suppose that's good, on some level, but I was really looking forward to reading plato, rousseau, skinner, dewey, freire, arendt, Steiner, Hirsch, Postman, etc. I really want to know - what does it mean to educate? What is its purpose? Who is best suited to teach? What sorts of things are knowledge that is essential to human being? ARGHHH!

I also feel sort of ashamed, because on some level I feel like maybe I'm backing away from a difficult situation, and is that a reflection of the discomfort I feel when I am revealed "the truth"? (You know the drill) But even as I ask myself that, I don't understand the point of paying serious money to tell me these things when I time and time again have examined their validity and have rejected them. How many times do I have to enter a classroom and earnestly await course material that has been thrown out in favor of more pressing issues such as the "conservative reform agenda"? Whoa. At the same time, I want to defend myself because I feel as if my beliefs were challenged in a way that doesn't use buzzwords, that really gets to the heart of the issues people find so important, I could evaluate, debate, accept or reject. But I don't have the energy for stuff like this. It's all too loaded, and words are thrown around that mean different things to different people, and understanding is not met.

So I dropped. And I will continue to search for the answers to the questions I have, but I suppose that no professor will be able to guide me along the way.

After such long experience let "house,"
"tree," or "bridge be dared differently.
Always whispered to destiny,
finally and at last say it out.

To untangle daily creation,
which all differently endure,
we make ourselves a constellation
out of the known figure.

Today is a day for keeping a new year's resolution. Today is the day where I call a bunch of people that I haven't talked to in a while and it is also the day where I invite some people out that I never have before.

Life is too busy; there are too many people in my life. I like them all, but I feel overwhelmed. I want to be everything to every one of them. :-\

The things in my life right now (among other things): audrey niffenegger; stocks, daisy mums and orchids; oatmeal chocolate chip cookys; tchaikovsky; apron-making; scarf-knitting.

The desires I have (among other things):
*to develop a book club with my friends, or a cooking club, or any club, really. Example: Thursday Night Potluck Night. or Tuesday Evening Craft Circle. or Mondays with Board Games. Etc.
*MORE COOKING! LESS DRINKING!
*to open up an IRA NOW!

OK, I better get cracking.

Love, Brd

Thirty Pounds says I need a new bra!

New Year's Eve said I shouldn't drink so much wine!

I say that I love all of my friends, old and new!

Frankie say relax.

Today = organizing everything, and a trip to the fabric store. I'm making progress on my scarf AND I'm going to make an apron.

Tomorrow = First Day of School. Yessssssss. Expecting much excitement over the following: Financial Reporting and Philosophical Issues in Education. Continually expanding my library. I need a whole wall, with one of those rolling ladders.

Some New Year's Resolutions:
1. Successfully complete at least 2 projects in each of the following disciplines: knitting, sewing, and embroidery.

2. Ask new friends out for coffee and old friends to hang out more.

3. Keep in touch with my relatives! This is important!

4. Sucessfully start an exercise program and STICK TO IT. GOAL - A loss of twenty-five to thirty pounds to meet my true destined weight/shape. I know I've got it in me!

5. Do the above without abandoning my ultimate identity in life - the chef.

6. Be more organized/clean!


***
OK, I suppose that's it. I really want to do all of these things!

GOOOOO 2006!

I suppose that this year was as eventful as any other, but something in me suggests that I am feeling very content and grateful for my life. Just the other day, I was in the car, driving along, and it just struck me how much I Love Life. I know that not many people feel like I do, so I just feel grateful to be so lucky in so many ways. Although I am a big beleiver in personal responsibility, accountability and the role of choice in our lives, I also realize that many of the options that we choose between are really random, so I feel lucky, in a way, that I have the opportunity to make the choices that I do. I don't want to "chalk it up" to god, or destiny, or fate, or anything like that, but to be the individual that I am, in the place that I am, I feel, is entirely a matter of chance.

My relationships in all areas continue to grow and change, and I think, none for the worse. I like to think about relationships not ending, but the nature of them changing, and this year has been a really big one in terms of coming into my own security and being o.k. with the fact that relationships manifest themselves in different ways. I've also been learning how to be secure with my own self and not to think about others evaluating me, and this, I think has really helped me with self-confidence issues as well as learning to avoid or dissipate drama.

While friends hold a close place in my heart, I've really been working on developing a sense of family, both within my own and within justin's. I come from such a big extended family, and I've realized that I don't think I could do without that community. The older you get, the more it is up to you to keep up those ties and stay close with everyone, and I really want to keep that in my life.

My interests are continuing to develop - my domesticity shows itself more and more everyday. Should I be bashful? Ashamed? What? Taking up knitting, embroidery, sewing, baking, cooking. . . I love it all. I've never rejected the home and I don't think I ever will. For me, the source of happiness, sanctuary, fulfillment. I can't keep away from the thoughts of children. Not immediate, but children as the object, the goal of all this. What is the purpose? Why do I work? Why do I go to school? What is the meaning of my studing (insert any subject here). Not only do I enjoy all that I undertake, but I've been thinking about human beings as sponges, as vessels, as time machines, etc. When I was born, I was empty, I was dry, I was waiting to be filled. And I am and have been absorbing everything that I can about what it means to live, what it means to be, what it means to BE. And I think I've come to the conclusion for me, that my goal is to fill myself up with all of this, humanity, and when the time is right, to pass it on. To fill up my own vessel. So, the fact that I think about this stuff probably freaks people out, but I can't help it. It's me. It just is.

I think that I like to label myself an Optimistic Realist, and it's treated me well thus far, so I'm going to continue to have that outlook for next year.

Thankful that I've found some good friends, finally. It's the perfect amount, I'm so happy with all of them.

New Year's Resolutions? I'm working on it. I'll let you know.

Whoa, How did I get Home? I'm slowly remembering the details of last night. leave it to me to wake up at nine a.m. after a night of partying. Justin went to his ex-company's Christmas dinner, and came back with Dan around 9. We went to Kasey's, proceeded to have good times, went to the studio, had good times there, and ended up going to Neo at like 2 in the morning. It was New Wave Night again! So we went, and danced, and we danced some more. I remember taking the cab home, but not going to sleep. Isn't it always like that? Dancing is still my fave, but I smell like my brother's clothes, and I hate that. So it's bath time, I think. HA! Dancing to new wave at Christmas time. LOL, it's so weird, for some reason. How random. Obviously I'm still half asleep.

Last night was my potluck dinner party turned casual get together with friends. It was so low key, and I thought, really fun. It turned out that just Kristen and I made dinner and Ashley showed up later with brownies and to eat the dinner, and later, Jesse and Jina came over after Jina got off of work. I got along with every person there exactly how I always have, so no surprises there. We did make Amaretto Sours, or should I say, Jina initiated their making. Trivial Pursuit was also had, which I love, but apparently is not loved by all. C'est la vie. I also got to give friends Christmas presents, so that was good times too.

Something I've been thinking about: I want to be able to spread my love around to everyone equally, but I also want to be able to extend myself as fully as possible. How to do, with so many people. I don't think I have the energy! Maybe I'll start being selfish and keeping my love to myself. I would probably get depressed though.

Today was my mom's birthday, and the Nutcracker, which was Fabulous! I love dancing, and I love orchestras. Perfect.

I feel old, for some reason, and it's not a bad thing, but I just don't have a lot of energy for certain things any more.

Expect a look back on 2005 shortly.

too much time plus introspection equals contemplation of unchangeable pasts and desires for change which have already been deemed as counter productive and slightly lame. will katamari fix the problem? no, but it will avert the mind.

OMG OMG OMG. I Luuurve dancing!!!!

To celebrate Justin's last day of school EVER as well as my friend Art's 25th birthday, we went to this club called Neo. It's a goth/industrial/alternative club, but on Thursday nights, they have New Wave Night! So Justin convinced me to go, and I, in turn, convinced my friend Ashley to go too. It was the greatest, ever. My love for dancing the night away has been rekindled. Must. Go. Again!
So it was great times, and now I have blisters on my big toes.
Additionally, I finally saw K. after I guess I would say 3 or 4 years. I was so nervous, but it was all fine and we said hi and hugged and danced together, and that was that. I suppose that I'm fine with the fact that I may never be more than acquaintances with some people that I've met.

Something that I've noticed with new (or old?) people is that no one ever wants to talk and learn about each other. It seems like people want to pick up that info on the side, and that meeting and hanging out with people relies less on common interests and more on charismatic personalities and witty behavior. This is hard for me, because I'm always generally interested in talking with people, really talking, about anything. This is probably because I don't know how to tell a joke.

Well, hopefully I can dance some more, and hopefully my relationship with K. will now forever be pleasant. Today is a day for chili, friends, and a scary movie!

spending time alone, inside, doing solitary things, thinking solitary thoughts.

simultaneously making baby steps for extroversion, friendship, communication.

spending too much time thinking about other people and not enough time doing anything about it.

wasting time on the computer, to no end.

dreaming of post graduate employment.

trying to beat katamari damacy and neverwinter nights. it's not working.

writing out emily dickinson poems on my refrigerator. winter is seductive.

thinking about losing weight without going to the gym or eating disgusting food or developing an eating disorder. is it possible?

thinking about percieved beauty. image. style. personality.

must seem as if i don't care.

must try harder to care less. makes no sense.

feel sad to not fit a cliche. sort of want to box myself in, at least to a couple categories. can you imagine? how easier relationships and life would be? it would be less awkward for everyone.

striving for moral excellence without God as a basis. Where does it come from? What reasons are there for retaining it?

loving my life. loving my family. loving my friends.

always happy, on average. maybe it's because i'm so earnest.

hooray. it's the museum today.

thinking about muses and the role of performers as poets, as translators, as entertainers and deliverers of depth and meaning and revelation.

thinking about birthday parties and old relations and awkward endings. self-exclusion as a form of protection. against, what? the fear of the past, of drama, of my own immaturity.

thinking about luck and serendipty and randomness and reason. about choice and destiny and fate.

thinking about simultaneous existences and the personal importance to each. how humanity moves like the tide, in waves, in and out, back and forth, together, apart, individual, collective.

etc. etc.

excessive intellectuality and introspectiveness is pathetic. too much thinking and not enough understanding.

learning to let go and trying to grasp what is outside of myself and instead embrace what is already there.

I love Christmas. I've already decorated and made two types of cookies.

I also love Katamari Damacy. Hooray!

So, Florida was fun. Thanksgiving was more fun. Returning is the most fun. Recap:
1. Thanksgiving was spent at Justin's family's house, and a good time was had by all. Especially me. As dorky as it sounds, I'm totally in love with Justin's little brother Reilly. He is 2.7 years old and just started talking in full sentences and the like. He woke me up on Thursday morning by telling me he missed me and gave me a big hug (when I wasn't even sure if he knew who i was) and proceeded to shadow me for the remainder of the day, or until his cousin Dominick (also three) arrived, thus providing a better amusement. This accomplishes two functions. Firstly, he had someone to hang out with for a while, and secondly, I love babies! as you well know, so my love was satiated for a while. *swoon*. So his family is nice and big and great and fun. That was good.
2. I spent the following week in Orlando with my parents, sister and my aunt Betsey. It was a good time, but it was a vacation with my family, so how fun does that get? We went to Sea World and Universal Studios, ate at Red Lobster and Chili's for our "Fancy Meals" and I learned how to play Canasta. My favorite part, though, was the trip we made to this place called the Historic Bok Sanctuary, which is basically a formal garden in the middle of Florida that also houses a manor from the 30's that I took a tour of. All in all, probably the last trip with my family for a while, a good way to start break.
3. Now I'm back. Hooray.

I always notice that I post in here when I have nothing better to do. A pattern? a reason? a motive?

Periodically disappointed by my friend's abilities to make intelligent conclusions. Rather, not conclusions, but periodically I'll catch this glimpse of terribly overt haughtiness, of the sense of pride accompanied statements obviously true to the person speaking them. It all seems naive. However, does the fact that I do not agree with them make me intelligent and they the ignorant or naive? I'm making value judgements. Despite the acknowledgement of relative truth, we all still believe ourselves to be the most reliable and our own personal convictions to be the true ones. How could it be any other way? And yet, I try. Still looking for the bigger picture. Still unable to connect on an emotive level except in the most intimate situations. Do I have no respect?

Why do things so transitory seem so important? How can we possibly enthusiastically embrace (anything, for that matter) when it's all in flux anyway?

Language is the clearing-concealing advent of Being itself. I think about that often.

I have a love/hate relationship with Anthropologie. I want want want some boots and this store is the ONLY store that I can find that has what I want. But why are they so expensive! I'm so pissed! I know that I can never own any of these. But I can covet; oh I can covet.

Tell me which ones you like the best:
these


these


these

OR

these!

This girl I personally know who has like a zillion friends on MySpace has refused my friendship? What's up with that?

This morning I saw two buses drive past me, one said "Ricky Raccoon Line" and the other one said "Latino Express". What's up with that?

I realized something that I like a lot about Justin. Because our house is also simultaneously a studio, I often get to eavesdrop in on their conversations when working on projects. The mannerisms of each and every person Justin works with always get to me, and I always like to talk to him about all their weird quirks after the fact. But last night I realized that while I like to talk about things to work through them, even silly stuff like that, Justin doesn't like to talk about them because it would make him think about it even more, and since there's nothing he can do about O.P.P. (HA!) he doesn't even want to bother. I like this attitude a lot. If you can't alter something, why bother being upset about it? It's just wasting your energy and your time. Bravo, Justin, Bravo.

Three finals and two to go; as well as a paper and a take home exam.

It's very cold outside. I can't wait until it really snows!!!

Justin also told me he's really proud of me for being so good at what I am studying that I can teach it to other people. I never really thought about it that way; I just like it! Hooray! I can't beleive I actually like doing something that everyone else thinks of as boring this much. Well, I guess that's me in a nutshell: finding incredible pleasure in everything that everyone else finds incredibly boring.

My scar is healing nicely, and leaving some awesome bruises on my arm. Cool!